Saudade

Lately, I've become a pretty big fan of youtube. I swear, you can find anything on there. One of the subscriptions I have is to the username AndanteLargo. He's this classical guitar player, who posts a bunch of compositions and covers he's done, and they are downright some of the most beautiful things I've ever heard, like in my life. My favorite one by him is 'While You Were Sleeping'. Another one that really caught my attention was 'For My Love'. I like to read the comments on alot of the videos I watch, and I came across this one that had mentioned the word 'saudade'. I'm not 100% right, but I think it's a portugese word that means like, a mix betwen happiness and sadness, kinda melancholy. It was crazy cause thats exactly the kinda vibe I felt from just listening to the music. The guy who commented it related it to how you can think of something in the past that made you so happy but now it feels like you can never have it back, but theres still some hope that it will return. haha i dont mean to sound so dramatic or serious or anything, but it seems like a deep word when you can relate it to that music.
And now, I feel like I can personally relate to 'saudade'. I've come to realize, with the help and concern of others, that the way things are now are really different. Change is inevitable, but I'm really hoping that this whole thing is just a phase..Senior year has definitely taken by surprise. I think back to all the times in the past, everyone was so close, things felt so secure. When senior year started, i expected things to get even better, but what happened, or is happening is like a complete 180 degrees on the dial. im sorry for the times i didnt put the effort in to work against this 'phase'..i don't want this to become a thing where i look back and feel like its gone for good..
Today was the first day I actually started college apps. I still can't believe this is my last year of highschool..I'm so excited for it yet so nervous..well, i guess thats all for now.